Broadway, Desperate Housewives Style!
by NordyGirl
Summary: Here is the Desperate Housewives version of some of your favorite showtunes! Enjoy! Pealse R&R! Disclaimer: I own nothing.
1. The Wisteria Lane Tango

Here is just a little song parody! Enjoy! This is the first in a series. This is to the tune of "The Cell Block Tango" from "Chicago".

Disclaimer: I own neither Desperate Housewives or Chicago. I basically own nothing. Oh well ( sigh)…

And now I am proud to present The Wisteria Lane Tango!

_Mary Alice: _

_Bang_

_Susan:_

_Fix_

_Bree:_

_Salad_

_Lynette: _

_Aaahhh_

_Edie:_

_Susan_

_Gabrielle:_

_Solis_

_Random Guy: And now…the six desperate housewives of suburbia, in their rendition of…the Wisteria Lane Tango…_

_Mary Alice:_

_Bang_

_Susan:_

_Fix_

_Bree:_

_Salad_

_Lynette:_

_Aaahhh_

_Edie:_

_Susan_

_Gabrielle:_

_Solis_

_Mary Alice:_

_Bang_

_Susan:_

_Fix_

_Bree:_

_Salad_

_Lynette:_

_Aaahhh_

_Edie:_

_Susan_

_Gabrielle:_

_Solis_

_All:_

_He had it comin', he had it comin', he only had himself to blame!_

_If you had been there, if you had seen it_

_Edie: I betcha you would have done the same!_

_( All repeat their word-dealies twice)_

_Mary Alice: _

_Ya know how people have these little habits that getcha down, like, Mrs Huber. Mrs. Huber liked to talk…no, not talk, gossip! So I'm getting the mail one morning and I'm real cheerful and happy, and there's that note, and I go and put it on the counter, no, not put, BANG! I said to her, I said, you write a threatening not one more time…and she did! So, I take the shotgun out of the closet and I fire two suicidal shots…into my head…_

_All: _

_If you have been there, if you had seen it, I betcha Mrs. Huber was to blame!_

_Susan:_

_I met Mike Delfino from across the street about three months ago, and he told me he was a plumber, and I hired him right away. Soon, we started visiting eachother. He'd come over, look at the pipes, I'd get him a drink, I'd attempt to invite him to dinner, and then I found out…plumber, he told me, PLUMBER MY ASS! Not only was he not a plumber, he killed a guy. One of those murderers, ya know? So that night, when he came over to fix the pipes, I got him his wrench…as usual…ya know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!_

_All:_

_He had it comin'_

_He had it comin'_

_He took up all of Susan's time_

_And then he lied_

_When Susan spied_

_It was kind of, but not really a crime!_

_Bree:_

_Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, polishing the silver, minding my own business. In storms my husband Rex in a jealous rage. " You been screwin' the pharmacist?" he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, " You been screwin' the pharmacist!" And then I put onions in his salad…I put onios in his salad ten times…_

_All:_

_If you had been there _

_If you had seen it_

_I betcha you would have done the same!_

_Lynette:_

_( short-circuits and screams words of anger far too inappropriate to print)_

_Mrs. Huber:_

_Yeah, but didja drug them?_

_Lynette:_

_Aah-aah, not…working…_

_All: He had it comin'…_

_Edie:_

_My neighbor, Susan and I had this really big feud, and the plumber, Mike was involved. Now for the last few weeks, Mike and I had this plumbing dealy, and he would count the number of pipes, one, two, three, four, five, one right after the other. So me and Mike are down in my basement, schmoozing, have a few laughs, and he runs out of nails, so, I go out to get some. I drive in, look out the window, and there's Mike the plumber, across the street, WITH SUSAN! Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely freaked out, and I got jealous. It wasn't until later…when I saw Mike kissing Susan that I even knew they were on a date!_

_He had it comin'_

_He had it comin'_

_He was wasting all his time_

_Susan was_

_So determined_

_To make sure he wasn't mine!_

_Gabrielle:_

_I loved Carlos Solis's money more than I could possibly say. He was a real rich guy, a business man, a lawyer, but I was unhappy with him at home, I'd go out every night cheating on him, and on the way…I found John…the…gardener. I guess you could say Carlos and I broke up because of legal reasons. I was a good girl, while he was a gay basher!_

_All:_

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum_

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum_

_He had it comin'_

_He had it comin'_

_He really wasted my time_

_Why did I agree_

_To get married_

_His tie was a fashion crime!_

_Mary Alice: _

…_You write a threatening note one more time…_

_Susan:_

…_plumber, my ass!..._

_Bree:_

…_ten times…_

_Lynnete:_

…_( short-circuiting)…_

_Edie:_

…_across the street with Susan…_

_Gabrielle:_

…_legal differences…_

_Mary Alice:_

_Bang_

_Susan:_

_Fix_

_Bree:_

_Salad_

_Edie:_

_Susan_

_Gabrielle:_

_Solis_


	2. All I Care About Is Bree

All I Care About Is Bree ( to the tune of "All I Care About Is Love" from "Chicago")

Sung by George the Pharmicist:

_Rex:_

_AND NOW…THE GUY WHO SWITCHED MY PILLS, THE GUY MY WIFE IS BEING STALKED BY, THE SILVER-TONGUED PHARMICIST OF THE TOWN, THE ONE, THE ONLY…GEORGE!_

_George:_

_I don't care about Flonase,_

_One-A-Day, or mayonnaise_

_No. no, not me_

_All I care about is Bree_

_Susan, Gabi, Lynnette, and Edie:_

_That's who he stalks!_

_George:_

_I don't care about flu vaccine_

_Sudafed, Listerine_

_No, no, not me_

_All I care about is Bree_

_Housewives:_

_All he cares about is Bree!_

_George:_

_Give me red prefect hair_

_A box full of underwear_

_Hidden in the closet_

_After washing my hands in the faucet!_

_I don't care about guys named Rex_

_Aspirin, or Nasonex_

_No, no, not me _

_All I care about is Bree_

_Housewives:_

_All he cares about is Bree!_

_I don't care about Straterra_

_Ashlee Simpson dating Ryan Cabrera_

_No, no not me_

_All I care about is Bree_

_Give a string of pearls_

_Lecturing teenage girls_

_About stuff that annoys she…_

_KEEP YOUR MONEY, THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME!_

_I don't care about rubber gloves_

_Long white coats, Rex's shoves_

_No, no, not me_

_All I care about is_

_Killing a guy who's married to Bree_

_I find her really sexy…_

_ALL I CARE ABOUT IS BREE!_


	3. The Lawnboy of the Neighborhood

The Lawnboy of the Neighborhood ( to the tune of " The Phantom of the Opera" from "The Phantom of the Opera")

Sung by Gabrielle, Carlos, and John:

_Gabrielle:_

_He always mows my lawn_

_Three times a week_

_And Carlos is so pissed_

_That he can't speak_

_And if I cheat again_

_I will be dead_

_The Lawnboy of the neighborhood is there…_

_With me in bed!_

_Carlos:_

_I'm too possessive_

_I have anger issues_

_She always flirts with him_

_In sexy shoes_

_And do I fire him_

_Or leave him be_

_The Lawnboy of the neighborhood is there…_

_Talking to Bree…_

_John:_

_Those who have seen her face_

_Think she's real hot_

_It's really too bad_

_She already tied the knot_

_As long as I sleep with her_

_I am just fine_

_The Lawnboy of the neighborhood is there…_

_At house number nine!_

_Carlos:_

_Beware the lawnboy of the neighborhood!_

_Gabrielle:_

_He's there, the lawnboy of the neighborhood!_


	4. Sit For Me

Sit For Me ( to the tune of "Think of Me" from "The Phantom of the Opera")

Sung by Lynette:

_Sit for me_

_Baby-sit for me_

_So I can have a life_

_Take care of them_

_So I can take a break_

_From being a housewife_

_When you find that they don't obey_

_Give them a spank in the "A"_

_If you ever need to lecture _

_Make it painful for them!_

_Sit for me_

_Sit for me daily_

_So I can get some sleep_

_Make them go_

_Take a long nap_

_I better not hear a peep_

_Obey my orders or you will find_

_You will be out of a job_

_Please clean up after them_

_They are total slobs!_

_Babysitter:_

_Can it be…_

_Can they be this evil?_

_HELP ME!_

_Long ago, it seems so long ago_

_When I still had my sanity_

_Why did I ever do this?_

_Why'd I sit for her?_

_Lynnette:_

_Carpets fade_

_They draw on the lampshade_

_They need to learn authority_

_If you can still handle them _

_Stop and sit for me!_


	5. That Night

That Night ( to the tune of "Tonight" from "West Side Story")

Sorry it took so long! I knew I had to write another one before the season premiere! So here it is! Expect another after the season premiere!

Sung by Gabrielle and John:

_Gabrielle:_

_You_

_You're the one I want to see_

_My lover_

_In my eyes_

_In my bed_

_After you mow the lawn_

_We will have some fun_

_In bed_

_John:_

_And there's nothing for me but Gabi_

_The one who pays me is Gabi_

_Gabrielle:_

_Johnny _

_Johnny_

_John: _

_Always you_

_In your bed and your room_

_Won't hopefully bring my doom_

_From Carlos_

_Gabrielle:_

_All the world is only you and me!_

_Both: _

_That night_

_That night_

_Was not just any night_

_John:_

_That night I lost my innocence!_

_Both:_

_That night_

_That night_

_About making Carlos mad, we were right_

_He went mad_

_And beat up some gays!_

_John: _

_Today_

_Today I have a feeling_

_A lawsuit will happen_

_On the next episode_

_Gabrielle:_

_For there_

_He is_

_And what was just a fling_

_Is a thang!_

_Tonight!_

_Both:_

_That night_

_That night_

_That night was like a dream_

_I hope it's on the _

_D…V…D!_


	6. Neighbor of Next Door

Neighbor of Next Door ( to the tune of "Angel of Music" from "The Phantom of the Opera")

See, I told you I would have one after the premiere. This song regards the the housewives talking about Betty Applewhite. I might write one about the tie thing at the funeral also.

Sung by Lynette, Bree, Gabrielle, and Susan:

_Lynette:_

_Susan…_

_Bree:_

_Susan…_

_Gabrielle:_

_Susan…_

_All three:_

_Who in the world have you been spying?_

_Susan:_

_On the new neighbors…_

_Others:_

_What is it that you are trying to find?_

_Did you find any suspicious papers?_

_Susan:_

_Girls, when Those other people moved out, when the Applewhites came to live here, Betty told me that her husband was dead…Well, I hear noises coming from their basement, and I have suspicions…_

_Bree:_

_Susan…do you believe…do you believe that it's Betty Applewhites husband in the basement?_

_Susan:_

_Who else, Bree? Who?_

_Betty once spoke of her husband_

_I thought I once heard him speak_

_Man, the suspense on this show_

_Has reached it's peak…_

_All:_

_Neighbor of Next Door_

_The unknown guy_

_Hiding in the cellar_

_Neighbor of Next Door_

_Hide no longer_

_Lynette:_

_If you have any secrets, tell her…(pointing to Edie)_

_Gabrielle:_

_We are the nosy neighbors…_

_Tell us, the nosy neighbors…_

_Susan:_

_What was that noise?_

_WHO IS THAT DOWN THERE?_

_Gabrielle:_

_We are the nosy neighbors…_

_Tell us, the nosy neighbors…_


	7. Tie

Tie ( to the tune of "Cool" from "West Side Story")

Hey, I promised a song about the tie incident, and here it is!

Sung by Bree:

_Tie_

_Tie_

_Corny tie_

_On Rex's neck_

_Went ballistic_

_So I fixed it_

_That really ugly tie!_

_Go,now,go_

_Before I slap you on the next episode_

_Just stop sobbing_

_About the tie!_

_Tie_

_Tie _

_Prep school tie_

_Get new colors_

_Maybe Gabi_

_Will be real happy_

_If she uses it to slap her lovers!_

_Go,now,go_

_And finish shooting the next episode_

_Can't wait to see it _

_On Sunday Night!_


	8. It's the suburb life

It's The Suburb Life ( to the tune of "It's The Hardknock Life" from "Annie")

Sung by Edie, Susan, Gabrielle, Mary Alice, Betty Applewhite, Lynette, Bree, and Mrs. Huber:

_All:_

_It's the suburb life for us!_

_It's the suburb life for us!_

_Mrs. Huber:_

_Instead of condos_

_Others:_

_We get houses!_

_Betty:_

_Instead of sweatshirts_

_Others:_

_We get blouses!_

_All:_

_It's the Suburb life!_

_Susan:_

_Don't it feel life the cliffhangers get bigger?_

_Gabrielle:_

_Don't it seem like there's always more suspence?_

_Lynette:_

_Don't it seem like my kids are always hard to handle?_

_Bree:_

_Is a fresh coat of paint needed for the fence?_

_All:_

_It's the suburb life for us!_

_It's the suburb life for us!_

_Mary Alice: _

_Instead of nannies_

_Others:_

_We get sitters!_

_Susan:_

_Instead of plumbers_

_Others:_

_We get killers!_

_All:_

_It's the suburb life!_

_Betty:_

_Don't it feel like there's someone in my basement?_

_Mrs. Huber:_

_Don't it seem like we want to know who?_

_Edie:_

_Don't it seem like I have a healthy sex life?_

_Gabrielle:_

_Instead of one lover, I have two…_

_All:_

_Mowing the lawn life!_

_Sewing the clothes life!_

_Loading the dishwasher life!_

_Serving cake on a saucer life!_

_Lynette:_

_The guy her basement we never see!_

_Betty:_

_Guy in my basement? Who, me?_

_Bree:_

_Instead of kissing_

_Edie:_

_We have sex_

_Mrs. Huber:_

_Instead of flowers_

_Others:_

_We have a fence!_

_All:_

_It's the suburb life!_

_Betty:_

_You're gonna stay in that basement_

_Till it falls like a poorly built building!_

_Others:_

_Spy on her through her window!_

_This show has mystery innuendo!_

_James Denton is really hot!_

_Bree:_

_AH! MY TABLECLOTH HAS A SPOT!_

_All:_

_It's the suburb life for us!_

_It's the suburb life for us!_

_Betty:_

_Instead of taxis_

_Others:_

_We ride cars_

_Mary Alice:_

_Instead of Venus_

_Others:_

_Men are from Mars!_

_All:_

_It's the suburb life…_

_It's the suburb life…_

_It's the suburb life…_

_IT'S THE SUBURB LIFE!_


End file.
